What to do if your child is abused?
What should you do if you suspect your child is being sexually abused? How do you protect your child in this situation? We have summarized for you how the police, for example, recommend how you should behave.*
How can you talk to your child?
Your child is unlikely to come straight out and say they are being sexually abused. Depending on the age and level of education of the child, it does not even know what that means. So you have to try other ways to find out what happened to your child. A child expresses their worries and fears through other channels, such as changed behavior or physical complaints. So how are you supposed to know what’s bothering your child? You can find out everything about the symptoms of sexual abuse in our article.
Possible measures against the silence
Let your child draw what they want most or where they would like to be. In cooperation with a counseling center or therapist, the drawings can be used to find clues about the possible perpetrator. Read appropriate picture books on the subject of sexual abuse of children with your child.
For children from 3-4 years, for example, the following is suitable:
- “The Sorrowful Cuddly Toy” by Katrin Meier and Anette Bley. A picture book about sexual abuse that encourages affected children to break their silence and provides examples of how to find help.
- “Beautiful & Stupid” by Ursula Enders and Dorothee Wolters. A book about beautiful and stupid feelings and how to deal with them.
For older children from 6 years we offer:
- “Rosa vom See” by Erika Mezger and Eva-Regina Weller. This book addresses the question of guilt and helps children to understand that they are not to blame. With pedagogical-therapeutic accompanying material for adults.
- “The big and the small NO” by Gisela Braun and Dorothee Wolters. This book aims to encourage children to express their feelings and needs with confidence.
Recommended procedure:*
- Try to keep calm! Surely the anger you feel towards the perpetrator numbs your mind. But do not act hastily. The important thing is to stay calm. There is a big difference between confirming an uncertain suspicion and a child actually talking about the abuse.
- Believe your child! Take your child seriously and believe what they say.
- Don’t push your child! Be gentle and don’t overwhelm them with questions or interpretations. Otherwise it can happen that your child closes again. Avoid asking your child direct questions to learn the truth. It is better to ask about what they have experienced and what they wish for. So it can happen that your child talks rather casually about the actual events.
- Avoid “why questions”! By asking questions like “Why didn’t you say something earlier?” or “Why didn’t you fight back?” you conveyed accusations to your child. So it feels guilty.
- Listen carefully! Let your child report at their own pace. If you need breaks, allow them.
- Give your child security! Tell him you love him just as much as before. That it was right to come to you and now you know what to do.
- Don’t rush anything! Do not react thoughtlessly and rashly to the statements. Your child must always have the feeling that you can stand what they say. If your child notices that you are getting angry, they might take it all back and keep quiet. Calm, trust and security is what the child needs now. It can sometimes take a long time before action can be taken against the child’s tormentor. But you can put your energy into helping your child.
- Don’t confront the perpetrator! Do not attempt to confront the perpetrator on your own initiative. He will deny the accusations and you may be putting your child in even more danger. Let yourself be helped and help your child by being there and showing understanding.
seek support
Once you have recovered from your initial shock, you should seek professional help. You can get support near you from special counseling centers on sexual abuse, from educational and family counseling centers such as the Child Protection Association or the general social services of the district offices. There are also nationwide hotlines where you can get advice immediately on your first questions.
- Either you turn to 0800-2255530 – the number of the independent commissioner for the processing of child sexual abuse.
- Or you can inquire at the “number against grief” on 0800-1110550 . There you can also anonymously express your suspicions and ask about your next steps.
Include other reference persons
You will certainly not be the only mother who has observed a change in your child. That is why it is now important to get in touch with other reference persons. Talk to the kindergarten staff or teachers, for example. So it may be that the suspicion is strengthened. Educators are also trained in suspecting and dealing with child sexual abuse.
To call the police?
Kriminalrat Harald Schmidt advises in the MomaSquad interview: “Involving the police is also an effective way to end sexual abuse in the immediate social area, in the family.” In the entire interview with Kriminalrat Harald Schmidt you will find more tips and information the police . We have also put together more information for you about reporting sexual abuse .