Parents argue in front of their children: How bad is it really?

Many parents avoid arguing in front of their children, especially when they are younger. But is this really the right way? And what happens to children when parents fight? There are different answers to this.

No extreme fighting in front of children under the age of six

Arguing is of course part of a relationship and can hardly be avoided from time to time. However, experts agree that children under the age of six should not necessarily be shouted and argued loudly. Because at such a young age, the little ones cannot assess such a situation – that mum and dad suddenly no longer love each other – nor understand it verbally and therefore cannot process it properly. They only see the angry or crying faces of their parents and are overwhelmed by these impressions.

If there are often strong arguments between the parents, which the child often witnesses, this can lead to mental damage. Such damage is often reflected in the child’s later social behavior. Possible symptoms are, for example, insecurity on the part of the child, or the same aggressive behavior as the parents experienced before – especially in conflict situations. Behavioral disorders such as fingernail biting or hair pulling can also be included. Children tend to blame themselves. If a child shows such a development, professional help should definitely be sought.

Constructive arguments as a role model

With regard to disputes, a distinction can be made between two types of disputes: there is the so-called constructive dispute and on the other hand there is the destructive dispute. The former is also a source of arguments, but both parents try to find a solution to the problem together.

This also includes getting along again afterwards – before the child – and making peace, according to the motto: “Mum and Dad still love each other” . In this way, children learn that after a quarrel there is also reconciliation, since a solution was sought together.

It is also something positive when children learn through arguments that everyone has their own opinion and stands up for it. So when you, as a parent, state your point clearly—and without being insulting or condescending—a child internalizes that point. In this way, children get to know a kind of “positive arguing” and possibly adapt this constructive behavior.

destructive argumentative behavior

In a destructive dispute, the main focus is on outdoing one another. Instead of looking for a common solution, negative statements tend to cause even more unrest. This is supported above all by so-called “you messages” such as: “You never listen to me”. Such disputes may end negatively with frustrated and hurt parents. This is clearly destructive behavior for the child, from which it cannot derive any benefit in later conflicts of its own.

How do you deal with a child when parents argue?

The best way is to explain to your child that you and your partner are having different opinions, but that it has nothing to do with them. Once it has gotten louder, you can also explain that to your child. You could also apologize to your child with words like, “I’m sorry it just got louder, we’ll try to do better in the future.”

It is therefore important to include your child in your argument in the sense that they are not left alone with their emotions. Because children quickly become afraid that the family could separate. Such serious issues as a breakup, financial problems or intimate disputes between you as a couple should not be discussed in front of children.

Don’t involve children in the argument

One last important rule is not to include children in the parents’ arguments – in the sense of a referee. “Forcing” the child to take sides or take sides presents an insurmountable emotional challenge. Because the child cannot yet decide that it is all about opinions and not about favoring someone by agreeing with their view.

Parents should therefore also be aware of their role model function in conflict situations. Of course it’s not easy to keep a cool head in such a moment, but “learning to argue” is a very important developmental step for growing children.