When your child is jealous of the baby

Jealousy between siblings is a common problem. It occurs in all cultures. The greater the age difference between the children, the more jealous your children tend to be. It is different when your child is two or three years old and then has a younger sibling. At this age, your child can still become very jealous and react very emotionally. Also, your child may not yet fully appreciate the effect a firm hug or a little nudge can have on a newborn or on older siblings that they are jealous of.

Why is your child jealous of the baby?

This is a big change for your child. It experiences a plethora of emotions: excitement, fear, pride, love, jealousy, anger, and disappointment. So far it has been with you and your partner alone. That’s over now. It experiences a kind of dethronement, for it is no longer the center of your life. This can be a disappointing and complicated experience for your child. The baby is crying or screaming and your child is still getting used to the noise. And it can’t play with him either.

You are having your third or fourth child

Your older child is older and will probably react less jealously. It has made friends in daycare or kindergarten and is more independent. On the other hand, your youngest will experience a kind of dethronement, because now a new baby is coming. This is a big change for your child. If special consideration was given to its needs up to now, it suddenly finds itself in the role of the older sibling and from now on it is the one who should be considerate. Your child has a lot to learn now.

How your child reacts to a new sibling depends entirely on their temperament, the age difference and whether it is a boy or a girl. If your child is very independent, it will usually be easier to deal with the changes than if your child has a sensitive character. Maybe it will test you and your partner. Or he may revert to old habits, wanting to be fed and acting like a baby. Your child is fighting for your attention. This is how many children react to the birth of a baby. It may also react aggressively. In any case, your child will need some time to get used to the new situation.

How do you help your child not to be jealous of the new sibling?

• Explain to your child what is happening: Tell your child in simple terms what is happening. If “suddenly” a little sister or brother is there, they’re much more likely to get jealous than if your child has had enough time to get used to the idea. Picture books can help you explain the situation to your child.
• Show your child memories of the pregnancy: Tell your child about the time when you were pregnant with him. Show him photos when he was an infant.
• Encourage loving feelings: Let your child feel when your unborn baby kicks in the stomach. This is how you help your child to build a positive bond with their siblings.
• Let your child help you: A lot has to be prepared for the baby: a changing table is set up, a bed is made up and much more. Let your child help you. Maybe it can help decide where the changing table is placed? For example, consider together how the room could be decorated.
• Talk to your child about the changes: By talking to your child about the upcoming changes, you help him to prepare for the new situation.
• Maintain as much of the daily routine as possible: Try to maintain as many of the daily habits as possible during the birth, the time in the hospital and afterwards. Major changes in everyday life can unsettle your child.
• Prepare for the first visit: Your child comes to the hospital and sees you with the baby in your arms. For some children, this comes as a bit of a shock. It might help your child when they see the baby in the stroller for the first time. You could explain to him why the newborn should be in your arms. You could have your child help you with this, for example by placing a blanket on your arm before you pick up your baby. But even then your child can react jealously. It can also be helpful if dad and your child pick up the baby from the nursery and then bring it to mom in the cot.
• Greet your older child as usual: When you come out of the hospital and your child greets you, try to follow the usual greeting rituals. Take your child in your arms. Talk to other people about it, too, and make them aware that they should please greet the older child first before addressing the baby.
• Retreat when breastfeeding your child: For the first two weeks, you should try to avoid breastfeeding your baby in front of your older child. Some children become very jealous and feel neglected when they see their sibling being breastfed. Explain to your child that they are already grown up and can eat real food, while babies eat differently.

How should you react when your child is acting jealous

• Give your child special tasks: Let your older children help you. When your baby bathes, let your older children wash their feet. Or they change the doll or teddy while you change the baby.
• Encourage contact between siblings: If your child sings to the baby or strokes it gently, your smaller child will soon begin to respond to his voice and smile at him.
• Don’t overwhelm your child: Make sure your child doesn’t overwhelm themselves when they help you.
• Speak clearly, but don’t scold: Explain clearly to your child how they should behave and why. Don’t scold your child. It shows with its jealousy that it is afraid of losing you.
• Take time for your child: Show your child that you still love them like you did before they were born. It might be helpful if you develop special rituals with your child. From time to time organize a special program for your older child, if possible without the baby.
• Ensure equal treatment: You and your partner should take special care to treat your children equally. You should show your child that you love all of your children equally.
• Explain unequal treatment: Being older also has advantages for your child. It may and can do more than the baby. Make your child aware of the benefits. Then explain to him why you sometimes treat the baby differently.
• Temporarily interrupt longer “educational projects”: During the time of the birth and shortly thereafter, you and your partner should not tackle any longer-term, strenuous educational projects, such as “going on the potty” or “weaning off the pacifier”.
• Avoid prohibitions in connection with the baby: If you constantly remind your older child to be quiet, then at some point they will get annoyed.
• Explain clearly and repeatedly how you want your older child to behave. Your child is not yet able to correctly assess its strength. He may get angry and give the baby a nudge. You should calmly and repeatedly explain and show him how to handle the newborn.
• A visit to the specialist: If your children only fight and if the children’s arguments dominate family life, you can get advice from an educational counseling center. The aim of the therapeutic work is to gradually bring the rival siblings back together.