Your child contradicts: What you can do

It is time-consuming and nerve-wracking when your child constantly contradicts you. Most of the time the scene ends in a little power struggle. You don’t want to be bullied, but persuasion doesn’t help? His behavior puzzles you. Why doesn’t he want to go play with his friends or answer the phone when his beloved grandfather wants to talk to him?

Why your child disagrees

• Your child wants to be independent and make decisions for themselves. One way to show and experience this is to contradict yourself. This does not mean that your child will turn against you or your partner. Your child may be particularly defiant towards their closest caregiver. Or your child feels treated unfairly and contradicts you to draw your attention to a mistake. Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable in the children’s music group or just doesn’t feel like it, and his contradiction shows you that. Although it is associated with a lot of stress for you and your partner, you should be happy about this development step.
• Your child may be going through the defiance phase. It usually starts at the age of two and lasts until around the age of four. For some children it does not take place until they start school. Even if it is a difficult time for you and your partner, this phase of defiance is very important for your child. It’s part of their natural development: your child discovers that they have a will of their own. Your child is not cheeky with you. Rather, it learns to communicate its will and to become independent.
• Even after the defiance phase, your child will contradict you. This shows its independence. However, it is not yet able to organize its independence “reasonably”, for example when it is asked when it should go to bed. You and your partner are needed for this.

How should you react if your child objects

• Stay calm : Don’t let your child provoke you. Constant contradiction can be annoying. Breath deep.
• Do not punish your child : Your child goes through a natural development. It should learn to communicate its will and to defend itself. This requires your help. You can’t do that with penalties.
• Support your child : To contradict means to fight back. It is important for your child to learn this. Check your behavior. Did you perhaps overreact? Is your child perhaps right when it contradicts? You should acknowledge that.
• Giving in is allowed : In some situations it is fairer if you give in. Is it really that problematic if your child is allowed to swing for five more minutes? You also show him that you take his needs seriously and that he is learning to trust you.
• Help your child to be independent : Find a situation where you can give in without hesitation. Ask your child to explain their wish to you. Show your child that you understand his arguments and let your child have his way. This will support his ability to argue and show him that you take his feelings seriously.
• Explain the rules to your child : Even if contradiction is sometimes good and sensible, your child still has to learn to stick to the rules. So explain to him why he shouldn’t contradict you. A suitable children’s book could help you with this.
• Be consistent : Your child often does not understand why it makes sense to put on a hat when it rains. stay consistent As long as your child refuses to put on the hat, they are not allowed to play.
• Offer your child an alternative : Instead of telling your child where to play, offer them choices and let them decide for themselves. In this way you avoid contradiction and support your child in its striving for independence. By choosing the options, you avoid unnecessary discussions, because maybe your child wants to play outside, but because of the weather this is not possible.
• Don’t laugh at your child : Your angry child vigorously contradicts you, but in doing so it comes across as involuntarily funny and you want to laugh. But your child is serious. You should definitely control yourself. If you can’t, turn away immediately or leave the room. It might hurt your child if they see you laughing. In any case, they will feel that you do not take them seriously or they will get really angry.
• Talk to your child : Even if your child is only two years old, they can explain to you in a calm moment why they disagree with you. You can look for solutions together.
• Don’t allow any cheekiness : your child may not only contradict you, but also reinforce their resistance with swear words or they will lash out. Remain calm, but tell your child firmly and clearly that you will not tolerate such behavior.
• Take it easy on your nerves : If the constant contradiction gets too much for you, then leave the room. Explain to your child beforehand that you have to go because his tantrum is too much for you. In public spaces such as the supermarket, take your child and leave as calmly as possible.
• Stay Confident : You may end up getting a lot of “good” advice from onlookers, especially when your child is contradicting and reacting defiantly in public. Do not let them provoke you. You are the mother and you know best what is right for your child. Some advice is really well-intentioned, so you should always react calmly and politely.
• Ignoring is allowed : If your child insists on their objection and is not open to arguments, then you can also ignore their objection if it is appropriate and sensible. Long explanations are not always worthwhile.