Defiant phase: The 10 most important parenting tips

Your child screams and throws themselves on the floor when they don’t get what they want, or suddenly shuts down and doesn’t want to eat anymore? The defiance phase, also known as the autonomy phase, has begun.

When does the defiance phase begin?

It is helpful if you keep reminding yourself that the defiant phase is only a temporary ‘phase’. It is part of the development of every human being, because in the second year of life your child begins to detach itself from you and to develop and assert its own will. If this is not possible, your child reacts with anger and the dreaded reaction of defiance.

When is the defiance phase over?

The defiant phase is coming to an end as soon as your child can better control his feelings and desires. This is usually the case in the fourth year of life. However, developing frustration tolerance depends on many factors:

• What is the parenting style of the parents?
•  Does the child feel appreciated?
• Does the child’s self-confidence increase?
• How far has language development progressed?

This is how you stand by your child in the defiance phase

Now it’s time to keep calm and react to the child’s behavior with patience and understanding. These ten parenting tips can help you in dealing with your child in the defiance phase:

1. Don’t take behavior personally

Don’t take your child’s behavior personally! Your child doesn’t dare to annoy you. They can’t control their anger yet and will be frightened themselves by a tantrum. If you allow yourself to be carried away by his anger, you only increase his fear and defiance.

2. Have patience and allow liberties

Your child wants to do more and more things on their own, which of course means that the table is flooded or a glass is broken. You should allow your child as much as possible and support them carefully without taking too much from them. This pays off forever. If your child can test and improve their skills, they will become more and more self-confident and independent.

3. Rules and Prohibitions

In the defiance phase, the regulation of the daily routine should be reconsidered. The rule is: as few rules and prohibitions as possible. That doesn’t mean that you should give in to everything. Think about what things are really important to you and consistently enforce compliance with these basic rules.

4. Take your child seriously

Your child is in a development phase towards more self-determination and independence. In order to have a positive influence on this development, you should take your child’s wishes seriously and be willing to make compromises if your basic rules are not at stake.

5. Stay consistent

Don’t give in when you shout . Once you’ve said “no” to chocolate, stick with it. Your child needs to know that shouting and stamping will not get them anywhere. This means that compromises should be made early on, before your child freaks out.

6. Say “no” when necessary

If your child wants something impossible or dangerous, gently and firmly say “no” and wait for them to calm down a bit. Then you can offer him a realistic and reasonable alternative.

7. Distraction

Especially when tantrums begin in public, it is appropriate if you react quickly and try to distract your child with a quick change of scene, along the lines of: “Look at that excavator over there.” or “Would you like to take the escalator drive?”

8. No empty threats

Never threaten your child with words like “When your father comes, you will experience something” or “I’ll give you away”. This can be very frightening for your child and permanently reduce their self-confidence.

9. No violence!

No matter how loud your child yells, if it hits and stamps and your anger rises, you should never try to force your child to see reason. This harms his self-confidence and his development. You can find out what you can do if you are on the verge of losing control in our article “How to raise children non-violently”.

10. Discuss ground rules

Friends and family should also enforce compliance with the basic rules, because if the parents are consistent but the grandparents give in to the child, the child will only try all the harder to get its parents’ way.