Selfishness in the child: When your child is selfish

Selfishness and self-centeredness in your child

Selfish is someone who is consciously only concerned with his own advantage and accepts disadvantages for his fellow human beings, although a solution based on solidarity is possible. However, your child is not aware, especially in the first few years of life, that their behavior could have disadvantages for others. Your child sees the world very differently from you. Your child is very self-centered, especially when they are babies. He has a need that he wants to satisfy. Your child cannot take care of himself. So first of all, it learns to communicate its desires. That doesn’t mean your child is selfish. Your child is happy when they can be helpful and selfless. The older your child gets, the better it understands how to perceive the needs of others and respond to them.

Even babies can be helpful

In one experiment, the willingness to help of babies was tested. The adult had books in his hands and therefore could not open a door, which the baby observed. After a while the baby went to the adult and opened the door for him without being asked.

Your child feels compassion

Around the age of one year, your child can feel compassion. Before she was two years old, she learned that she could use her behavior to comfort others, such as bringing a band-aid or her favorite toy, things that bring her comfort and joy. The older your child gets, the better they understand that other children or adults have needs of their own. But your child has to learn a lot, because not all needs are equally important. It observes its surroundings and learns to comfort and help others. By the age of seven or eight, your child will have developed to the point where they can develop a sense of justice, provided that appropriate behavior has been explained and exemplified.

How should you react if your child reacts selfishly:

• Do not doubt yourself: your child still has a lot to learn. Not being self-centered and developing a sense of justice is a years-long process.
• Talk to your child: Explain to your child why they shouldn’t be selfish. Talk about how to behave better.
• Practice social behavior: Look for opportunities where your child can try and learn social behavior. Point out to your child when others have behaved socially towards him and ask your child whether he likes such behavior.
• Support your child: Your child needs your guidance to grow into a supportive adult. If he has been considerate or helped, you should praise him, because that motivates your child to act in this way again and again.
• Check your educational goals: should your child be self-confident and able to assert itself? Of course there is nothing wrong with that. But if you forget to teach your child humility, solidarity, and sacrifice, you become a selfish little tyrant.
• Be a role model: Your child primarily learns from you and your partner. Be a role model and explain when and why you show consideration for one another. Remember: helpfulness activates your reward center in the brain and is contagious.
• Pay attention to the right handling: Your child copies and learns from his environment. If they don’t see any social behavior in the media or in their circle of friends, or if they don’t have selfish role models, you will find it difficult to educate your child in social behavior. Think about who you want your child to spend time with.
• Finding the right balance: Your child keeps everything for himself, then he gives away all his stuffed animals to his friends. For both, it gets negative feedback from you and your partner. It is important that you teach your child that thinking about yourself is not automatically wrong. Again, you need patience and time.
• Use conflicts: You should talk about conflict situations so that your child learns to behave socially on the one hand, but also to develop “healthy selfishness” on the other. In this way, your child gets to know values ​​such as sharing or helping, but at the same time it also learns to weigh up and draw boundaries in order to protect itself from the selfishness of others.
• Start early: You should explain to your child right from the start why they shouldn’t be selfish. Without your early guidance, your child cannot learn. Even if it doesn’t develop a sense of justice until the age of seven or eight, it’s the wrong way to start parenting after that. The receiving of righteousness does not come overnight either. It takes a lot of prep work. If they are not asked to share and to be considerate of the needs of others, to follow rules in conversation and in other situations, you spoil your child.