Adoption Decision: Are You Ready to Adopt?

An adoption should be well thought out, because after all it is not only important that you as a couple are comfortable with the situation, but that the adopted child must also feel comfortable in the new environment. In order to visualize all the important decisions and possible problems, you should deal intensively with the fundamental questions of this addition to the family . The ten questions about adoption offer an initial overview:

Decision to Adopt in Germany – Facts and Figures

Adoption means that two partners are legally recognized as the parents of a child, even though they are not the child’s biological parents. In Germany, significantly more couples want to adopt a child than children who are available for adoption. In 2004, for every German child who could be adopted, there were about ten couples who applied for adoption. That is why the number of foreign children who have been adopted has increased significantly in recent years. Altogether there are more than 20,000 couples, that is about 15 percent of the unintentionally childless in Germany, who apply for an adoptive child every year. Only for about 4,000 does the wish for a child finally come true.

Basic questions for the decision to adopt

The adoption process is a very lengthy process. It is associated with many discussions, official procedures and formalities and waiting times of three years and more are usually normal. Therefore, you should have some basic things clarified before you decide to go through with an adoption. This is also in the interest of the child, who should be happy with his adoptive parents. You should ask yourself these questions beforehand:

• Can we live a full life without children?
• What would life be like without children – just alone with my partner?
• Why do we want to adopt a child? Do I want a child for its own sake or isn’t it just a substitute satisfaction?
• Which motives speak against an adoption?
• How do we imagine life with a child?
• Am I willing to be there for this child until adulthood and to renounce my own wishes?
• Could I deal with the fact that the child’s development might not be what I expected?
• Is my partner also fully behind the adoption?
• Can I deal with the fact that the adopted child might reject me?
• Can I give the child sufficient financial security?
• Am I willing to adopt a child who is not particularly pretty, has a different skin color or even has behavioral problems? What consequences might this have for me and the child?
• Am I up to this burden?

What qualities should parents have?

• Parents should have the ability to support and deal with conflict.
• You should have a working partnership where many of the needs of both partners are met.
• You should be able to express feelings, talk about conflicts and compromise.
• You should be willing to give without expecting gratitude.
• You should be willing to set boundaries and not be overprotective.
• Parents should feel whole even without a child.

You and your partner should also keep in mind that the child you may be granted may have suffered psychological damage, physical damage, or even both. At an adoption agency, you can’t choose your children from a catalogue. Rather, one looks for good parents for the individual children.

If you have dealt intensively with these questions and problems, you can tackle the adoption process and contact the adoption agency of the local youth welfare office.

What difficulties can there be after adoption?

The difficulties depend on the age of the child at which the parents adopt the child.

• The child may have or develop a behavior disorder that parents disapprove of, demand constant attention from parents, or become delinquent.
• There can be difficulties with one’s own children, for example that they feel disadvantaged or say: “You’re not our sibling at all”.
• The child threatens to run away, go back to the home, takes drugs.
• During puberty, they reject their parents because they are not their biological parents.
• The child keeps emphasizing that the parents adopted them out of pity or selfishness and not because they love them.
• The child constantly doubts the parents’ love and the parents feel helpless.

What fears and expectations can adoptive parents have?

• The question: “When do we explain to the child that we are not his biological parents?”
• The question: “What do I do if the child wants to go back to its biological mother?”
• The fear: “The child will not love us and will not gain trust.”
• The fear: “The child will commit a crime and it’s our fault.”
• The question: “Can I deal with the fact that the adoptive child might reject me?”

Maybe a foster child?

An alternative to adoption is taking in a foster child. Foster children come from families in which the parents do not take sufficient care of their children. Although they live like an adopted child in a foster family, from a legal point of view they are still children of the families of origin. You can find out more about foster children in the article “Requirements and application process for a foster child” .