Children grieve: How children grieve for siblings

When children understand grief

Of course, if the siblings of your deceased child are still very young, they cannot really understand what happened. You have no concept of death yet. However, they can sense from your behavior and the behavior of your partner and other family members that something is wrong. From the age of about six months, children can begin to understand what grief means, but not the finality of death. Children only realize when they are about six years old that their brother or sister will never come back and that death can also happen to them. By around age 13, most children will eventually have an understanding of death that is very similar to that of adults.

How children show sadness

Children grieve differently than adults. The way in which they do this naturally depends on their age and the bond they have with their deceased sibling. While the death of a sibling does not bring about an outward change in behavior for some young children, others may regress, which manifests itself in tantrums or poor concentration, for example. It is normal for older children, who are more aware of the death of their brother or sister, to cry and feel depressed. Some children also pick up habits from their siblings. That, too, is normal as long as they remain largely themselves.

How you can support your children in their grief

Grief is a very individual process for children. The following tips may help you on how you can support siblings of your deceased child in grieving:

• Explaining death: If your child asks you about death, you should give them open and clear answers. Avoid ambiguous statements such as “Your brother has gone to sleep.” This can confuse your child. Instead, explain to your child why their brother or sister died and explain why people die in general: because they are very old, ill or had a bad accident. This may also take away any fears it may have, for example that it will soon have to die itself.
• Take away guilt: Your child may feel guilty because they have had arguments with their brother or sister every now and then. Make it clear to him that it’s not his fault.
• Allow grief and set an example: Don’t try to suppress your own grief in order to appear strong for your living child. You are sad and you should show it. Otherwise, your child may also have the feeling that the death of the sibling is taboo or that their own grief is not justified. Many children do not like to talk to their parents about their grief anyway, preferring to share it with friends or other people they trust. Nevertheless, your child should have the feeling that their grief is okay and that they can always find an open ear with you and your partner.
• Don’t glorify a dead child: Of course, your deceased child should be remembered fondly. However, be careful not to make your living child feel worse than the deceased sibling by constantly making comparisons. Instead, consciously acknowledge their strengths and show them that you love them just the way they are.
• If possible, do not change behavior towards children: Even if it is not easy after such a great loss, you should try not to fall into extreme behavior patterns towards your other child. Exaggerated protective instinct harms your child in the long run just as much as ignorance. It is best to deal with the sibling as “normally” as possible, as before the death of the sibling.
• Help with the processing: Common, regular rituals, such as a mourning ceremony on the day of death, let your deceased family member remain unforgotten and also weld you together in your grief. You can also offer your living child suggestions to process their grief, for example by drawing or writing letters, or suggest that they exchange ideas with other affected children who really understand what they are going through. In the meantime, numerous platforms have been formed on the Internet for this purpose. Take a look at our article ” Mourning for a Star Child “. Here you will find other ways of dealing with grief that have already helped many affected people.

Professional help and exchange

If, even after a long time, you have the feeling that your child cannot cope with the death of his or her brother or sister, you should consider seeking professional help, for example from a psychologist or a self-help group. You should also consider this if you notice that your child is behaving abnormally, for example by hurting other children, skipping school or turning to drugs and alcohol.

It is certainly not an easy task to be there for your living child in the difficult time of grief as intensively as before the death of the sibling. Nevertheless, try to respond to it as best as possible and show him that you are always there for him. So your child feels safe and knows that they are loved despite everything.