How to calm your child down during a tantrum
The defiance phase is a time when both children and parents push their limits. While the little ones are literally testing their limits with screaming, crying and defiant comments, parents are pushed to the edge of their nervous limits. Here we explain how you can calm your child down during a tantrum – and thus protect your nerves
Especially when it comes to raising children: the sound makes the music! How you talk to your child can be both beneficial and destructive to behavior. It is important to take this to heart, especially during your child’s defiance phase. After all, it is particularly irritable during this time…
Tantrum: How to calm your child down
So how you can defuse tantrums with just the right sentence and thus calm your child down faster, we will show you with three examples:
- “Stop screaming!”
You are sitting desperately in front of your child in kindergarten. The shoe is already on one foot, the other you hold in your hand. Why? Because your child just doesn’t want to wear shoes today. Your repeated protestations that it’s too cold outside for bare feet have met walls. The result: Your child yells louder and louder, “But I don’t want to put my shoes on!” To protect both your ears and the ears of the surrounding children and adults, you say: “Stop screaming.” That’s the logical reaction, but not helpful here at all. Instead, you could try this phrase first: “I understand why you’re angry, and that’s okay. What can I do to make you feel better?” Try to come to a common denominator with your child and find a compromise. Maybe they only have to put their shoes on to the car or maybe they would rather put their shoes on themselves? It is important that you show your child that you understand their feelings – no matter how irrational they may be for you. - “Stop kicking yourself!”
Often, tantrums don’t just stop at screaming, many children start kicking and hitting each other. In some cases, this also applies to you or your siblings. This is behavior that must be stopped immediately, of course. But the phrase “Stop kicking yourself!” can quickly do the exact opposite. Again, you should first convey that you can understand your child’s anger. Instead of asking to stop the behavior, you can explain that hitting and kicking is hurtful: “It’s okay to be angry. But hitting doesn’t help you. You’re only hurting yourself/me/your sister/your brother. Better tell me exactly why you’re feeling so angry right now.” This is how you explain to your child that violence is not the solution, but communication. - “I don’t feel like discussing this with you.”
Temper tantrums are sometimes expressed in hour-long discussions with your child. It never comes to an end, in principle everything is kind of stupid. After all, “I want to” is not a really well-founded argument. Of course, as a mom, you will eventually get fed up and tell your child: “I don’t feel like discussing this with you.” As much as you may be right about that, it comes across as pretty wrong to your child. It feels rejected and not taken seriously. Or how would you feel if you were simply choked off by your partner, boss or girlfriend – even though you have something important to say? Therefore, try to gently tell your child that you need a break right now. Like this: “It’s all a lot for me right now and I’d like to think about your arguments in peace. Would you like us to do this together and then talk about it again?”
Show understanding and love
It is important in all situations that you remain in control of your feelings, no matter how difficult it may be. Always try to stay calm and remember that your child is not deliberately trying to annoy you with their defiance. It’s not called a phase for nothing.
If you can do that, you’ve already taken the first step in the right direction. This is how you can pass on your inner peace to your child. Tell him that you can understand, that you love him despite his tantrums, that it’s okay to be short-tempered. But remember: be consistent. “No” means “no”, even if it is phrased affectionately.
A few clear rules can also help you and your child in the defiance phase. This makes everyday family life more structured. Or you can try to prevent phases of defiance, for example by deliberately NOT going to the candy shelf in the supermarket or by removing objects that do not belong in the hands of children from sight.
You can find out more tips on how to calm your child down during a temper tantrum and how you can react to your child’s defiant phases in our article “Defiant phase: 10 parenting tips” .