Interview: becoming parents, staying a couple – this is how conflicts can be avoided

Is there anything that a couple can do during pregnancy to prevent conflicts in the coming new role as parents?

Yes, you can! From my point of view, it is very important to build up a good culture of discussion that enables you to connect emotionally with one another and also to talk about difficult topics. This means taking time for each other when you don’t concentrate on anything else (cell phone, TV, etc.), but are really together and exchange ideas about what moves you inside, what you feel and think.

You should also address the difficult topics in order to get practice in them. The ability to understand each other and to be able to communicate and listen to each other effectively comes in handy later on, when you might only have time between the doors to get in touch with each other because there’s always a little being around that needs attention demands.

Pregnancy is a good time to talk about relevant topics such as:

• How are we together? What are our strengths and weaknesses as a couple? How did we overcome previous challenges?
• How is it for you to become a mother/father? What are you looking forward to? Are there any fears?
• What values ​​do we want to pass on to our child? What did we experience in our own childhood that we would like to pass on or do differently?
• What should the division of labor look like after birth? How can we create a sense of equality?
• What rituals enrich our relationship that we want to keep?
• In what ways can we show each other that we want contact when we feel distant?

Quick solutions or final answers do not have to be found for all of these questions. It’s more about understanding each other and meeting and getting to know each other on an emotional level, so that both have the feeling that they can overcome the upcoming challenges together as a team.

What concerns do new parents most often come to you with?

On the part of the woman, I often experience an increased need for support, both practical and emotional. This is quite natural, because her basic physical needs are neglected during and after the birth: getting sleep, physical integrity, food intake. In addition, she has often endured great pain and fear. After the birth marathon, despite her exhaustion, she is usually immediately required to be there for the child, to put it on, etc. and does not have the time to recover.

So she wants to know: “Me and the baby are well taken care of – I’m not alone here, we are a team. When I feel overwhelmed, my partner steps in. You will notice my needs and prioritize them. I can count on you to be there.” She needs this trust and the feeling of being safe in order to be able to devote herself completely to the little new being and the new tasks.

How exactly can the partner best support them?

It’s good if the man manages to get involved by caring about his partner’s feelings and needs and giving them importance. Very practically, he can, for example, prepare food, provide a drink at any time, calm the baby by carrying it, spend the morning hours with the child so that the mother can sleep in, etc.

If the partner does not feel able to do these things, support should be organized elsewhere, because good help is really worth its weight in gold during childbirth. The woman should take it easy physically and not be overwhelmed.

What if the father doesn’t want to help because he doesn’t really relate to the baby?

Unfortunately, it’s not all that rare that dad doesn’t really know what to do with the little one at first. If he does not fulfill his responsibility and leaves the care of the child completely to the mother, she can feel very helpless and alone. If she notices that this is the case, she should first bring it up in a calm but serious tone, telling him about her feelings and asking him what’s stopping him and what he would be willing to do to make it feel more equal .

If this doesn’t work, she can ask herself whether she can accept it (for example, because the partner is contributing in a different way that means a lot to her) or whether she takes other measures. Unfortunately, some fathers only become active when the woman has already removed herself so far that she is ready to leave and has expressed this. Unfortunately, by then it is often too late. Quite a few breakups happen in the first year after birth.

With many new parents, suddenly everything revolves around the baby, is that problematic for the relationship?

It is quite natural that everything revolves around the baby at the beginning and you should accept it to a certain extent at first. Because the most important task of the new parents is to first offer their baby a good welcome into the world so that it can build up basic trust. This also includes putting your own needs aside for a while – you get them back when the child gets older.

In the long term, however, it is important to consciously take time for a couple again, otherwise it can quickly happen that you grow apart, which often happens insidiously and unnoticed. Partners focus all of their energy and attention on family and may not realize they are losing sight of themselves and each other. They make a good team, have few conflicts – but one day they suddenly realize that their emotional connection and feelings for each other have been lost.

Is there some sort of rule of thumb for how much couple time you should take?

If the care situation allows it, it works very well for many couples to have a fixed appointment every one to two weeks where they take time for exchange and togetherness. This certainly does not work in the first few months after the birth, so the demands should not be too high. This also applies to the couple time itself. Maybe you are just tired and fall asleep together on the couch – that’s completely ok.

From my point of view, the small things that happen in between are more important than the fixed evening or day. If you manage to keep in touch despite the many demands and to show yourself through small gestures or looks that you see and appreciate each other, then a lot has been gained.

What helps when a parent comes home from work exhausted and no longer has the energy or desire to deal with the offspring, but the parent who is taking care of the child also needs some relief?

This is a very typical phenomenon – both privately and in practice I hardly know any couples to whom this does not happen. This is where battles over distribution and who has it “more difficult” quickly arise. Unfortunately, this is not effective, since both of them usually feel misunderstood after such a dispute. I think one reason for this feeling of doing much more than your partner is that things often happen in the unseen – you make inner compromises, take on small tasks that the other person doesn’t see and therefore can’t appreciate . As a result, you see more of what you do and give than what the other person does.

It certainly helps to some extent to normalize and say to yourself: “This is a phase with special requirements right now, so it feels like this. But this phase will also pass.” Furthermore, as already mentioned, one should not be afraid to ask people from the family circle for help, for example.

What can parents do to ensure that attraction and sex are maintained between tiredness, diapers, breast pumps and the like?

Not all couples are aware that it is completely normal for a woman to be prevented from enjoying sex for a while due to exhaustion, hormones, birth injuries, etc. Many men are disappointed here and feel “suppressed” by the child. If tenderness and love are still there, in most cases the desire will come back as soon as the hormone situation has returned to normal, for example after weaning.

Another theme that can also play a role is how much the new mom is in tune with her body and likes it. Is she bothered by stretch marks and other marks left by pregnancy and childbirth? Or can she be proud of her body that has performed this miracle of giving life, even with its “quirks”?

When does therapy or at least counseling make sense for parents? Are there warning signs of a crisis?

If you notice that you have slipped into a negative interaction dynamic – these quickly develop a life of their own and reinforce themselves. It is often not so easy to get out of it on your own. An outside perspective is helpful here.

An example: The man feels left out. He doesn’t dare to bring it up because he generally finds it very difficult to talk about his feelings. In addition, he has a bad conscience because he should be happy for his child that it has such a devoted mother. Feeling helpless, he does what he’s good at: concentrating on his work and doing his own thing. The woman feels more and more abandoned and betrayed by him. She harbors resentment, blames him and turns even more to the child. Because of her complaints and accusations, he gets the feeling that he can’t do it right and withdraws more and more. There is a growing sense of separateness. Both feel overwhelmed at the same time and are quickly annoyed by the other. In between there are escalations: He accuses her of having too high standards and is therefore overwhelmed and has no more time for him. She feels criticized and says he is uncommitted, careless and lazy. They vent their feelings in a destructive way – and it leaves both of them with even more pain.

Often there is shame about real feelings, so little is said about them, eg because one should be a ‘happy family’. It feels like negative feelings are not allowed. This creates a hiding, a distance and a lack of connection and a breeding ground for conflict, especially in stressful phases. The therapist can help to make space for genuine feelings, to embrace them, and to reconnect. Together, the negative interaction dynamics can be recognized, processed and resolved. The earlier you seek help, the better.

Since pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum are very sensitive phases, bond injuries can quickly occur here. These are moments of great vulnerability when our loved one is not there when we need them the most. An example of this is the woman who wakes up alone in the hospital after an emergency C-section feeling terrified – her husband has already left because he felt he was no longer needed, but she now feels abandoned. Or the man who has promised to take care of the child on an equal footing, but instead uses the parental leave to set up his own company and do sports, leaving his partner alone to care for the newcomer.

It is important to work through attachment injuries, otherwise they can permanently disrupt the trust in the relationship. We then no longer get involved in the relationship, remain reserved and get a new, more negative view of the other.