Mother says goodbye to a star child

Her friends advised her not to go to the funeral for fear it would only cause pain to the mother. But she felt a strong bond with her unborn child and wanted to say goodbye. She discovered how to find solace in dealing with her tragic loss and expressed her thoughts in touching words to her star child.

Letter to my unborn child

Tomorrow is a special day. I will accompany you on your “last path”. Tomorrow you will be buried in a children’s grave at the forest cemetery together with other children who were not born. I’m very grateful that the clinic offers this, even though it’s hard to take an invitation to your child’s funeral.

The few friends who know of you have all advised me not to go. “It’s already over,” they say. “Do you really want to do this to yourself?” they ask. “It was still so early and nature is already doing things right,” they explain. I know they only mean well. But they don’t understand how I feel about you, my unborn child.

I am your mother, even if your heart suddenly stopped beating in the eleventh week of pregnancy.
I am your mother, even if I will never know how your laugh sounds, what your eyes look like, how you smell, what you got from your grandparents.
I am your mother without knowing if you were a girl or a boy. What role does that play in love?
I am your mother from the day you were given to me.
I am your mother even if you had to turn back for no reason that I can understand.

“You still have something to do,” said your big sister. She was so proud to be a big sister. She wanted to be there for you, show you everything, protect you, grow up with you. She is my only consolation at this difficult time. She is the only one of us who has the wisdom to let you go without sadness.

And because you are my child, tomorrow I will accompany you on your last journey, pay you my last respects, pray for you, light a candle, say goodbye to you. You are gone and the sadness took hold of our hearts for a while. The pain your father and I feel is the same, even though we deal with it very differently. He won’t be there, at least not physically, but I know he has you in his heart and thinks of you every day. We were so looking forward to you.

I accepted that you left as surprisingly as you came. And at the same time I allow myself to be sad about it. I firmly believe that everything has a purpose, even if I sometimes don’t understand it.

I would like to give you what you are for me. I am grateful for your visit. My love shall accompany you until all eternity. And if what I hope is true, I will meet you again, dear child. I look forward to seeing you and wish you a good and happy journey.

Why am I writing this? because it helps me Because it helps people around me to understand me. Because I firmly believe that it is better to share your joys and sorrows, to show yourself, than feeling people. This connects us and can carry us through dark times. In feeling and empathy, in being there for one another, lies the key to better togetherness. Then we can use all our knowledge better. Then your visit made sense.

Your mum

addendum

Going to your funeral was incredibly difficult. It was a sunny winter day, I was scared and I was alone – but not lonely. Because six other mothers and fathers started this walk with me that day. A mother took my hand and pulled me into the middle of her family. There were also children who said goodbye to their unborn siblings.

I didn’t want to expect that of my child, your sister, but in retrospect I know that it would have been anything but an imposition.

It was a solemn ceremony with three ministers of different faiths. A father had made the coffin. They sang, a father played the guitar, they prayed, laughed and cried, candles were lit and you were remembered. We were all so different, but in that moment we were united.

It was a dignified farewell, I could begin to make my peace with what had happened and look forward again.

Since that day, I have known even better the power of rituals that you celebrate together. Of course you can go to the cemetery on any day you like or commemorate your deceased anywhere in the world.

But there is great strength in commemorating together, in praying together, in crying and laughing together. It makes life more bearable in the dark days and brighter in the bright days.

Thanks to everyone who was there for me during the dark days. You may not know how much it means to me.”