Child won’t stay in bed
Does your child keep getting out of bed instead of sleeping? Maybe the following tips can help you to convince your child to have their own bed.
Many parents know it: the child keeps getting out of bed to delay sleeping or to stay in the parents’ bed for the night. The latter is basically not a concern as long as parents and child feel comfortable with it. You can find more information on this topic in our article “Can a child sleep in the parents’ bed?” . But what can you do if that’s not the case? With the following tips from the book authors Annette Kast-Zahn and Dr. med Hartmut Morgenroth (“Every child can learn to sleep”) and Elizabeth Pantley (“Sleep instead of crying”) you can work on this behavior.
Take care of safety first
First of all, you should make sure that your child cannot injure himself when he is already climbing out of his bed. If it is still in a cot, you can, for example, remove a few bars and make sure that there are no sharp objects near the bed that your child could bump into.
From the parents’ bed back to your own bed
If your child shares a bed with you regularly, or even occasionally, and you feel that this should end, you may find one of the following suggestions from Elizabeth Pantley useful, which you can of course adapt to your own situation:
- Additional mattress: On their own mattress, which is still in the same room, you slowly get your child used to sleeping alone. If it asks for you or for the bottle during the night, lie down next to it and give it what it needs. You can then lie back in your bed. After about a week you can move the mattress to your child’s room.
- Move the family bed: If your child is at least ten months old, you can put a mattress in his room and lie down with him to sleep there. After a few nights, you can get up and go back to your bed as soon as your child is asleep. A baby monitor lets you know when your child wakes up and you can go back to him immediately. So it knows that you are always close to it.
- Wanderbett: Your child gets their own bed in the common room, which is initially placed very close to your own bed. This is to get your child used to sleeping in their own bed. If you find that it works well, you move the bed a little further away from your bed in several steps (each after two to seven nights). In the last step, you move the bed to your child’s own room. With a baby monitor, you can always find out whether your baby is sleeping or whether you should go to him.
- Fall asleep in the family bed, wake up in their own bed: Let your child fall asleep in your bed and then take them to their own bed in their room. If you notice via the baby monitor that your child is awake, you can quickly go to him. If necessary, you can take it back to your bed and repeat the process.
- For older children:If your child is older, you can explain to him that he should sleep in his own bed and room from now on. Also explain the reason, for example so that you all have more space or do not disturb each other. As an emergency option, you can leave a mattress in your bedroom and allow your child to go there if they wake up in the night and are unable to get back to sleep. You can also create an additional incentive to sleep in your child’s bed by making your child’s room particularly beautiful. The introduction of a bonus system can also work wonders: For example, your child can get a point for every night they spend in their room. If it has reached a certain number of points, it will receive a small reward.
- Sibling bed: If your child is at least one and a half years old and there are older siblings who – very importantly – agree, you can also introduce a shared sibling bed. You can also modify this variant so that your children can choose whose bed they sleep in. Make sure the sleeping environment is still good and safe.
Is a door screen an option?
In “Every Child Can Learn to Sleep”, the authors, Annette Kast-Zahn and Dr. medical Hartmut Morgenroth, on increasing your child’s “bed radius” to keep them from constantly leaving the bed and nursery. This simply means a door grille that is attached to the children’s room door. Your child can still get out of his bed, but cannot get out of his room. Now you can follow the sleep learning plan , which aims to change bad sleeping habits in the long term.
However, this plan has its advantages and disadvantages and is often criticized. Because the plan is for you to let your child cry alone for a short, specified period of time before you put them back in bed and calm them down for a moment. Then you leave the room again. Repeat this until your child falls asleep. By consistently laying him back in his bed and calming him down, your child should learn to understand that crying cannot help but sleep in his bed or room. Yet you show him that you are there for him. However, many experts now advise against this method, since the child is denied closeness and security, which it urgently needs for its healthy development.
Consistently bring back to bed
If a door gate won’t keep your child from regularly standing on your bedroom threshold at night, Kast-Zahn and Dr. Morgenroth to convey to your child how serious you are by bringing him back to his bed in a steady, determined manner. However, you should have anxiety while falling asleepas a reason for the nocturnal visits. Your partner should also be convinced of this approach and consistently bring your child back to his bed. Your child will notice that you are in agreement. Also explain to your child why it is better for all of you if he sleeps in his own bed, for example because you then have more space or peace. So your child might also feel proud when they actually managed to sleep alone in their bed. Important: Under no circumstances should they get the feeling that they are being punished or rejected, and that their feelings are not being taken seriously.
The “door-open-door-closed” method for children from the age of two
Your child is not impressed by the “back to bed” method or you simply lack the strength to bring your child back countless times during the night? In that case, Kast-Zahn and Dr. Morgenroth suggests trying a method that makes it clear to your child that their behavior can, so to speak, determine for themselves what happens next. In the case of constant “fleeking from bed”, his behavior has an impact on the children’s room door. When using the “door-to-door-to-door” method, your child should be at least two years old and already be able to understand what you are saying to them. Important: Do not use them if your child is afraid, sick or you have a bad feeling about it:
- First, explain to your child why it is important that they sleep in their own bed. Even if he doesn’t understand all the arguments yet, you give him the feeling that it’s not a punishment. Pay attention to your voice and intonation. These have a decisive influence on how your words are received by your child and whether they take them seriously.
- At bedtime, tell your child that if they stay in their bed, the door will stay open.
- If your child gets out of bed or walks around the room, put them back in bed, leave the room and close the door.
- After a minute you open it again. When your child is lying in his bed, give him a little soft talk. You can also praise or pet it. The door now stays open. An open door is what most children want.
- If your child has got up again, close the door again for a short time and repeat the whole thing until your child stays in his bed.
- You can slightly increase the time the door stays closed. However, she should never stay longer than three minutes.
This approach is based on the well-known time-out method, which is recommended in many parenting guides to show two to four-year-old children their limits in the event of unacceptable behavior, such as tantrums or power struggles. The situation that your child does not want to stay in their bed can quickly develop into a power struggle. During the time-out, or time out, there is a brief spatial separation, during which your child is isolated from as many stimuli as possible, such as eye contact. During the separation, your child has the opportunity to calm down. If it does that, it will experience a positive reaction (here: open the door). If it doesn’t calm down, the not-so-pleasant separation will take place again (here: close the door). Children quickly understand such a connection. If you use this method consistently,
Stand-up cards
In her book “Sleep instead of Screaming”, Elizabeth Pantley has another suggestion ready: If your child keeps finding a reason to get out of bed in the evening, you can try to restrain it with stand-up cards. For example, give him two homemade cards if he usually gets up four more times. Each time she gets up she has to give up a card. When all are used up, it has to stay where it is. Reduce the number of cards weekly. If your child hasn’t used up all the cards, give them special praise.
Custom sleep poster
Another tip from Elizabeth Pantley: Make a poster with your older child on which you record every step up to falling asleep: from undressing to brushing your teeth to the evening ritual to falling asleep. Also record the situation when your child wakes up or gets up at night and show him what he should do, for example cuddle with the teddy or take a sip of water. This gives your child a visual picture of the evening routine, and this approach gives them security and structure.
Children and parents must feel comfortable with the implementation
Some of these methods are rightly criticized in whole or at least in part, since the natural needs of the child are not taken into account. It is clear that babies and children should never be allowed to cry when they are afraid or are looking for security and closeness. In this case, parents should always react immediately and refrain from carrying out one of the methods mentioned. Children sleep in their own bed all by themselves as soon as they are ready. If you urgently need some rest in the evening because your own exhaustion is too great, you can alternatively look for your own solutions that suit you and your child well.
Whichever path you choose, you should be 100% convinced of it. Only if both you and your child feel comfortable with the implementation, there is a good chance that your child will stay in his own bed permanently and, above all, willingly.