Family bed: Can a child sleep in the parents’ bed?
It is a topic that heats up people’s minds: the child sleeps in the parents’ bed. From time to time this probably happens in every family. But what about the common sleeping place as a permanent solution? Here are a few points that experts and parents bring to the discussion.
In other cultures, it is common practice for children and parents to sleep in a family bed. And even with us, many children regularly sleep all or part of the night in their parents’ bed. One might actually assume that it works well. On the other hand, it has been proven for our regions that children who sleep in their own bed and room fall asleep better and stay asleep. So what is right or wrong? The following tips and hints can help you form your own opinion on this topic.
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Whether a child should sleep in the parents’ bed, not only among parents, but also among experts, the spirits. The following opinions lead to their recommendations:
Contra sleeping in the parents’ bed
Many experts advise against letting infants sleep in the marital bed in the first year of life and recommend a private cot near the parents. They do not consider sleeping together in a bed to be recommended, especially forsafety reasons, because, according to the empirical results of an American study, there is a risk that the child could overheat, parents could roll onto the child or the child could be injured by a fall.
Pro sleeping in the parents’ bed
But does this danger really exist? Are so many parents mistaken in their feeling that sleeping in the family bed is safe and comfortable for everyone? Other sleep researchers and experts, such as Dr. James McKenna from the University of Notre Dame in the USA and experts from La Leche League International (LLLI), relativize this strict recommendation for the first two years of life. In their opinion, sleeping together in the marriage bed can be a positive experience for both sides. The child is given warmth and security and this strengthens the bond between parent and child.
Proponents of the family bed even see advantages in terms of safety in the family bed: parents have better control over the child, can react faster to his needs and the sleep pattern of parent and child adapts better to each other by sleeping together. For them, therefore, the advantages of the family bed outweigh if the parents adhere to the following safety precautions.
Important safety precautions in the parents’ bed
- Parents should not take their babies to their bed if they are smokers or have taken alcohol or drugs.
- There should be no pillows or blankets near the baby’s face (preferably not within reach).
- The bedding should be tight-fitting and thus not be able to restrict the baby’s breathing.
- There should be no deeper cracks on the head of the bed or on the sides where the child could slip.
- The baby should not be placed on his stomach to sleep.
A more detailed explanation of important safety precautions around baby sleep and other good tips on how to create a comfortable sleeping atmosphere can be found in our article “9 tips for a good sleeping environment for the child“.
No more discernible risks from infancy
From infancy, on the other hand, the experts agree: from then on, there are no more reasons against sleeping in the parents’ bed, except one’s own well-being. So it is and remains the decision of the family whether you feel comfortable in the common bed or not. Even sleep experts, who are generally critical of the family bed, see the benefits of the family bed in certain situations from infancy. Thus, sleeping together gives the child comfort and closeness, for example, if it is afraid, dreams badly and startles or is ill. Especially in the event of illness, the parents have better control over the needs and condition of the child in the common bed and can help more quickly in an emergency.
When sleeping together could harm the parent-child relationship
The common sleeping camp becomes critical if you or your partner regularly leave your own bed at night, for example to have more space or peace on the sofa. In this case, your child seems to have gained “dominance” over the bed and a restful night’s sleep is not possible for everyone. It is equally delicate if you put your child to bed with you out of selfishness, whether as an excuse to avoid sexual contact with your partner or as a substitute partner.
Every family has to decide for itself
Whether a family bed is basically in the interest of all parties involved, each family must decide for itself. If in doubt, the following questions may give you an orientation as to whether it is a good solution for your family or not:
- Does it bother you when your child lies next to you or between you and your partner?
- Is your sleep disturbed by the presence of your child?
- Will this affect your sex life?
- Does your child fall asleep badly or does he wake up several times during the night?
- Do you need the physical closeness of your child at night, because otherwise you feel alone, for example?
- Does your partner have a different opinion than you on the subject of having a child in the parents’ bed?
- Do you or your partner want to change the situation?
Did you answer “no” to all questions?
Then it is no problem in your case that your child sleeps in the parents’ bed. You have consciously decided to do so and stand by it. It would not make sense to change anything about the situation against your conviction.
Did you answer “yes” to one or more questions?
You probably didn’t consciously choose to let your child sleep in your bed. Perhaps, after an illness, he refused to return to his own bed, and an exception has become a habit. Stand by your responsibility and set limits for your child. Do you get your child to bed because you feel alone otherwise? That’s not fair. Your child must not be a partner substitute. In its own bed, it probably sleeps better and longer.