Fear of attachment: What is fear of attachment and what are the causes?

When does one speak of a fear of commitment?

At first, it is often difficult to identify a person’s fear of commitment. Especially if you don’t know what exactly it means to suffer from a fear of commitment.

• Fear of attachment refers to a person’s fear of entering into a close relationship with someone. People with a fear of commitment fear intimacy and emotions just as much as they fear responsibility and obligations. Since they don’t want to disappoint anyone, they rarely enter into deep relationships.
• In addition, they are often unable to build trust with other people. Being close to other people can quickly come across as a threat. In order to avoid this, intensive ties are avoided.
• Signs of such fear are, for example, dismissive and closed behavior. You notice this especially when you are physically close. Furthermore, you often find that the people affected are dissatisfied and undecided. In addition, a lack of responsibility is considered typical.
• Fear of attachment occurs similarly in men and women and shows no distinguishing characteristics. Here it really depends on the person’s past and less on gender.

What are the causes of a fear of commitment?

The origin of a fear of attachment often lies in childhood, since that is when attachments are made for the first time.

• In most cases, the first bond one forms as a human being is with one’s parents. A child’s bond with its mother is particularly strong. Therefore, this is often the origin of a fear of commitment. For example, if the child is treated coldly and dismissively, it quickly gets the feeling that it is not good enough.
• This feeling also arises when parents expect too much from their child. If children often get the feeling that they always have to be perfect, they later find it difficult to believe that they are loved even if they have flaws. This attitude prevents them from taking on great responsibilities in the future.
• A long period of separation from loved ones in childhood also leads to a fear of commitment. They quickly fear losing the loved one again too quickly and want to protect themselves from this pain. This often happens by not allowing deeper relationships.

How do you find out if someone suffers from attachment anxiety?

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if someone is actually suffering from attachment anxiety. Often you do not recognize directly whether it is a fear of commitment, or whether someone is not interested, or simply not in love enough to enter into a relationship. 

• There are, for example, fear of commitment tests on the Internet that you can fill out for yourself and for others. This will give you an idea of ​​whether a fear of commitment could be the potential reason for avoiding relationships.
• Also, try to reflect on the person’s behavior or your own behavior towards relationships. Ask friends or close acquaintances who might be helpful.