Problems in the patchwork family: causes and tips

Causes of problems in the patchwork family

Problems can arise in a patchwork family, for example, because the children initially find it difficult to accept Mom’s new partner or Dad’s new partner. The offspring previously had mom or dad “all to themselves”, now the new and unknown partner also takes up part of this attention. As a result, children can quickly fear loss and jealousy. We have put together some tips on how couples can avoid problems in their patchwork family and master everyday life together as a family.

Tips to avoid problems in the patchwork family

• In order to get used to the new situation, the children need time. The relationship with the new partner, his family and possible new siblings must be built up slowly. In order to avoid emerging problems in the patchwork family, everyone should sit down together at one table and talk about the new situation.
• The offspring must also learn to find their place in the new family constellation. It is important that the parents create clear conditions and explain to the child that they still love it just as much as before.
• While one’s own child already has a close relationship with his parent, such a relationship with the stepparent does not exist at first. And even the partners do not have the same intense relationship with a stepchild. The role of the partner vis-à-vis the stepchild must be defined individually.
• It is important that contact between the child and the new partner is not forced. The offspring should have enough time to get to know him. Mom or dad do not have to despair when their own child first meets the new partner with rejection. Because most children suffer from loyalty conflicts. They believe that they are betraying their other biological parent if they love the stepfather or stepmother. It is important to make it clear to the child that the new partner does not want to replace the other biological parent. In our article “Accustoming the child to the new partner” we give tips on how the child and the new partner can find each other.
• The enlargement of the extended family can also become a problem of a patchwork family. Whether step-grandparents or the new wife of the biological parent who does not live permanently with the children: The patchwork family must first establish itself within the extended kinship system. This takes time, compromise and patience.
• Partners need to be clear about the relationship, feelings, and future plans. A stable partnership gives the children security. It is therefore important that the partners take time for each other, despite problems in the patchwork family.
• In order to avoid problems in the patchwork family, it is important that all family members pull together. This applies not only to the children, but especially to the partners. They must make joint arrangements regarding education and coexistence. Uniform rules that apply equally to all family members help here. Misunderstandings and disadvantages can thus be avoided.
• Despite the new partnership, the child is entitled to both biological parents. The mother or father should therefore ensure that the child can maintain a good relationship with the separated parent. It will then not perceive the loss so much as such and will accept the new partner more easily.