Siblings fight: How parents best react

Sibling relationships are complicated. Your children are genetically 50 percent the same, but they can still be completely different. One moment your children are arguing, the next they are playing peacefully or plotting something together. Sibling fights are part of everyday life, and they are usually over as quickly as they started. But what if your kids, or at least one of them, is argumentative? When not a moment goes by without provoking an argument? Your child’s relationship with their siblings shapes their life. It is important that your children learn to develop positive feelings for each other. You and your partner should support your children in this.

Why are your children fighting?

There are two main reasons for your kids quarreling, the current occasion, i.e. they both want to play with the same toy. Or they compete for your attention. Then the arguments are out of thin air and your children really only want to know who you and your partner prefer. Your children compete for the favor of you and your partner and get angry when their siblings get something because they want to be the center of attention themselves. They fight for their place in the family: who is the boss? Who is the better? who has more stuff Who is allowed to stay up late? Other reasons for arguments are boredom or frustration that your child takes out on his siblings.

What do children learn when they argue?

By the time your youngest child is around three years old, the strong connection to you and your partner has weakened somewhat, while the connection to your siblings has grown and strengthened. Your children differ in their talents, in their temperament and in their age. So the dispute is actually already inevitable. The smaller the age difference between your children, the more they fight. This is especially true if they are of the same gender. Nevertheless, they can learn a lot from each other. Older children quickly become little teachers and role models: what my big brother can do, I want to do too! Your children also learn a lot when they argue: to argue, to resolve conflicts, to share, to make compromises, to get along,

Should you get involved in the sibling fight?

• Agree with your partner : Talk to your partner about how to behave in the event of a conflict. Your children quickly notice when you have different opinions and know how to use this to their advantage. Otherwise it could happen to you that your children play you off against each other.
• Be neutral : You can’t find out who started what, who is to blame for what, or who provoked whom first. The smallest is not automatically the most helpless, and the one who cries may have started. Do not take sides, but help your children to find a peaceful solution and awaken understanding for one another. Do not enter the situation as a police officer, but rather as a mediator.
• Avoid comparisons : When you compare your children to each other, you increase the rivalry between them. Therefore, avoid making comparative comments like, “Your sister has been good the whole time, why haven’t you?”
• Don’t demand subordination : If you make one of your children boss, so to speak, the other children will automatically rebel and you will constantly fight.
• Emphasize individual strengths : Each of your children has their own special talents, which you should take into account. Praise it for that. If each of your children feels that you care, you reduce the rivalry between them and thus the reasons for a fight.
• Strengthen the feeling of togetherness : Praise solidarity behavior, practice sharing and clarify ownership so that your children learn not to tamper with siblings’ property.
• Temporarily separate your children : Don’t force activities together. Share the room and toys. Each child gets its share and can decide about it. If one of the siblings wants some of the other things, they have to ask their sister or brother first, otherwise they are not allowed to get the things. Many arguments start because your children want a toy “at the same time”. Your children will learn to share and reconcile.
• Being alone is allowed : Don’t force your children to spend time together. Your child must be allowed to withdraw. If your child wants to be alone, the other children must learn to respect that and leave them alone.
• Pay attention to the culture of argument : Violence against siblings is taboo. Discuss with your children how they can release their anger without getting hurt or rampaging. Explain to your child that they must not provoke their siblings.
• Show Consequences and Remain Consistent : Long-time combatants should know that their behavior has consequences. Explain to your children what consequences they have to reckon with and stick to it. Think about what consequences are appropriate beforehand, because if you are angry yourself and decide spontaneously, you could be unfair or too strict.
• Ensure contacts outside the family : If your child has other playmates besides his siblings, you will promote his social skills. Your child finds recognition and gains important experience in playing with peers.
• Check your behavior : Do you or your partner have a favorite child? When was the last time you said: “I love you!” to your child? Was there a lot of excitement about one of your children and the others feel neglected? This could be the cause of ongoing sibling disputes. Spend time with each individual child. This gives him the feeling of being important and valuable and reduces the envy of his siblings.
• Try to save your nerves : sibling disputes are part of everyday life in every family. So try to stay calm and think about how you can stay calm and calm your nerves in particularly heated times without the arguments between your children escalating. You also don’t have to step in every time your kids fight. You also don’t have to step in every time your kids fight. Sometimes they can solve their conflicts quite well themselves.
• Help from a specialist : If the constant arguments dominate family life in such a way that no one gets any peace, or if you have observed behavioral problems in your child over several months, such as extreme outbursts of anger, states of anxiety, hostility, physical aggression or predominantly negative feelings towards his siblings, then this could be the case This can be an indication of an emotional disorder. You should consult with a pediatrician or child psychologist.

How can you prevent fights between siblings?

• Avoid comparisons : When you compare your children to each other, you increase the rivalry between them. Therefore, avoid making comparative comments like, “Your sister has been good the whole time, why haven’t you?”
• Don’t demand subordination : If you make one of your children boss, so to speak, then the younger children will automatically rebel and you will fight constantly.
• Emphasize individual strengths : Each of your children has their own special talents, which you should take into account. Praise it for that. If each of your children feels that you care, you reduce the rivalry between them and thus the reasons for a fight.
• Strengthen the sense of togetherness : Praise solidarity behavior, practice sharing and clarify ownership so that your children learn not to tamper with their siblings’ property.
• Ensure contacts outside the family : If your child has other playmates besides his siblings, you will promote his social skills. Your child finds recognition and gains important experience in playing with peers.
• Check your behavior : Do you or your partner have a favorite child? When was the last time you said: “I love you!” to your child? Was there a lot of excitement about one of your children and the others feel neglected? This could be the cause of ongoing arguments. Spend time with each individual child. This gives him the feeling of being important and valuable and reduces the envy of his siblings.