Mother-daughter and father-son relationships: What makes them so special
Mamas and their daughters as well as dads and their sons – these are very special relationships: sometimes very intimate, but then also with friction and cutting the cord. We explain what makes these relationships so special, what they have in common, where they differ and how conflicts can be avoided or resolved.
The relationship between mother and child is probably the most formative there is. In the belly, at birth and in the first years of life, moms and their little ones are almost inseparably close. “The mother of all…”, “bemuttern”, “Hotel Mama” – these phrases do not come by chance. The mother is the epitome of attention, love and security.
Although this phase is roughly the same for boys and girls, there is already an important difference here: Through the same sex, mother and daughter are even closer – the mother can understand the wishes and needs of her girl even more. In addition, the boy turns between the first and five years of life increasingly to the father, if he is there.
Different developments
While the symbiosis between mother and daughter continues longer, a son makes a different development: He notices that there are differences between him and his mom and similarities between him and his dad. So he realizes that he does not form a unity with the mother, but that she is an independent person like the father – and of course he himself is too. This is very important for the personal development of the child as well as that of the family. Daughters experience it differently – and later.
Daughters adore their mums and sons adore their dads, see them as role models and imitate them: the girls put on make-up, try on jewellery and dresses, the boys “shave” bath foam from their faces, speak in a deep voice and get into their big shoes. Even in posture and movement, the children imitate their mother or father – and retain basic features into adulthood.
Showing weaknesses
Since children in the first years are usually surrounded by women – babysitters, educators, teachers – the father is particularly important for the son. He sees him as his male role model: big and strong, can solve problems, is always there.
Here the dad has the opportunity to make this image more modern – to show that he too can be stressed, angry, sad, so he can allow emotions and talk openly about them. The modern man can show vulnerability and admit that he has no answer to something or cannot solve a problem. While this is easier for mothers and daughters anyway, he can also allow physical closeness to his son and be loving.
In addition to the image of men, this influence is also important for the image of women and thus the general gender role image of the little one. A father who helps in the household, openly appreciates his partner and takes care of the children, comforts them or puts them to bed, conveys a modern role model and shows his son that something like this is not just a supposed women’s task.
As numerous studies show, a man’s upbringing also has a major impact. Because the relationship ability, conflict behavior and resolution, frustration and aggression management, self-confidence and responsibility of the child come to a large extent from the cooperation with the father. Here, too, boys and girls sometimes go different ways.
Sticking point puberty
It is particularly important for sons to be seen by their dad and to get recognition – e.g. for achievements in sports or at school. In puberty, there is friction because the boy himself becomes a man, wants to measure himself and differentiate himself.
In this phase, trust is often more important than authority on the part of the father. Dads have to slow themselves down in order not to patronize the son, have to try things out for himself and allow mistakes. But even now, the adolescent continues to expect advice from his childhood role model. So for the father, the challenge is to be there for help at the right time so that the son continues to feel that he can rely on him.
In general, sons treat their fathers differently than daughters meet their mothers. The latter talk much more to each other and usually have a much more intimate relationship. During puberty, the mother is often a good contact person for questions regarding physical changes as well as generally on topics such as growing up, the ideal of beauty, understanding of roles and positioning towards boys. In the male sex, these conversations are often limited to the basics.
Criticism of the mother
In sons, there is friction during puberty, but in the female sex they seem to be much more intense. The girls often want to knock their mothers off the pedestal, find their own personality and do everything differently – and ideally better.
Important for the daughters is the realization that the criticism of the mother is often directed at the part of their own personality that is shaped by the mother. The positive: A reappraisal helps the relationship to each other, but also the daughter in her self-image. This topic becomes particularly explosive when the daughter herself becomes a mother – and her own experiences meet what she imagines in matters of education.
To reassure you: A good, grown relationship will endure all these quarrels. Rubbing against each other and fighting with each other is actually a proof of love. Only a termination of contact is a really serious reason to have fundamental discussions.
Unlike boys, girls don’t have the urge to cut relationships during puberty and afterwards – they just deal very intensively with how they want to shape them. In addition to autonomy, they still want to experience security.
Being allowed to make mistakes
A basic problem of the relationship with the mother: Like too little love, too much love is not good. Supermothers who do not give way to the offspring a meter from the side restrict it and permanently disturb its autonomy. Especially for moms, it is important to be able to let go. This can be very difficult: the mother has taken care of the child for years or decades. It is in their nature – indeed genetically – to protect the child from any possible harm.
But negative experiences are also very important in order to mature – so the younger daughter must sometimes fall down and the older one must be allowed to fall in love with the “wrong” boy. Especially for women, it is a challenge not to project their own (unfulfilled) wishes onto their daughter. She has to go her own way. As described, this topic becomes even more explosive as soon as the daughter herself becomes a mother – for both sides.
Find the conversation
In all these phases, it is particularly important for a mother to be sensitive to vibrations: If the mother feels an unfulfilled longing for the child or the daughter reacts more often dismissively, then something is wrong. Here the mother should first check herself: What are my ideas about my daughter? What role do I want to play and which do I play?
Then she should seek the conversation – openly and without reproach. If it does not work in private, it also makes sense to get the help of an outside expert. Because problems between mother and daughter are often repetitions of the mother’s problems with her own mother.
It is important in this context – and this also applies to fathers and their sons – that one should not only let words, but deeds and feelings speak in order to express connectedness. Serenity and tact are required. In addition, a sovereign father, who is an outsider in this two-person relationship, but at the same time a parent, can play an important (mediator) role between mother and daughter.
Time-outs are important
An old wisdom says: Only if the parents are doing well overall, the children can also do well. Because those who are exhausted and irritable cannot really get involved with their child – and even transfer this mood to them. Children have very special antennae for mood and atmosphere, even if they do not (yet) understand the background.
It is therefore important for parents to always keep an eye on their own needs in addition to the needs of the child and to treat themselves to necessary time outs. Only in this way is a relaxed and loving interaction with each other possible.
As described, mother-daughter and father-son relationships have their similarities and differences. In general, each constellation is unique and beautiful. Each parent should try to build a trusting and loving relationship with the children and maintain joint activities. Quality time is the key here: taking time for each other! Shared hobbies and rituals provide orientation. However, it is particularly nice to try out new things together. In this, the offspring can then also trump the parents. And that’s part of the maturation process of a family.