5 wonderful sentences you should say to parents of premature babies
Parents whose child was born prematurely have usually experienced a lot of fears and worries that their fellow human beings cannot understand. One more reason to be careful not to hurt these parents with thoughtless words. Here are five valuable phrases to say to them.
Parents of premature babies have endured fears and worries that we often cannot even begin to understand. That’s why we often don’t know what to say, so we don’t say anything at all—or we babble on and hurt the people we’re trying to lift.
Amy Carr, Jennifer Degl and Nick Hall gave the Huffington Post important advice on how to deal with the parents of premature babies. Amy, Jennifer and Nick are founders and supporters of resources for these same parents and know what words hurt and more importantly, what words heal and bring comfort.
Say “Congratulations!”
instead of “Thank God it’s over.”
Some parents have to stay in the hospital for a while before they can take their little angel home. It’s nice when the time has finally come, but it’s not “over” for the parents. “It’s not over for the parents when they leave the hospital,” explains Nick Hall. “Often there are many things that need to be done to support the baby’s health and development.”
But this is not something that friends, relatives and acquaintances should emphasize. Rather, it should be your job to remind the parents that they are holding a small miracle in their arms, for which we congratulate them from the bottom of our hearts.
Say, ” You are the most important person in your baby’s life.”
instead of “She’s so small!”
“Don’t make comments about the size of the baby. Preemie babies just don’t look like other newborns,” advises Amy Carr. Focusing on the baby’s appearance can be very hurtful to parents. Especially since they often make accusations and worries anyway.
It is far more important to remind parents that despite all the medical chaos, they will always be the most important constant in their baby’s life. Telling them how important they are can give them tremendous strength, especially when they have a worrying head.
Say “I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
instead of “At least…”
Sentences that start with “At least…” or “But anyway…” should be deleted as a matter of urgency. It brings nothing but heartache to a mother when someone tells her, “At least it’s alive.” Jennifer Degl finds this statement simply terrible. “Yes, many premature babies don’t survive, but statements like this aren’t something that makes parents feel any better. If anything, it makes them feel even more guilty than they already do.”
What helps is simply being there – especially when the parents are willing to talk about their feelings. Sometimes it takes time, but when the time comes, I want them to know that someone is listening.
Say, “Can I help you hang up the laundry?”
instead of “When…?”
“When can your baby go home?”, “When will it learn to walk?” and any other when-questions are pure overstrain for the parents. They usually don’t know it themselves and rack their brains over it. Questions to which there may be no answers should not be asked in the first place.
If you really want to support the parents, you should ask specifically if they need help with something. “I go shopping. What should I bring you?” or “Let me help you put the laundry up” are really helpful instead.
Say “I don’t know what to say.”
rather than “Bacteria help kids build defenses.”
If the parents of premature babies can’t take their newborns for a walk in the park yet and don’t want to receive guests who were sick last week, then it probably has something to do with the fact that they want to protect their child, because they know that bacteria can affect the development of little ones. Nick Hall explains: “Guests often think the parents are crazy. They wonder why they are so overprotective. Babies should be exposed to bacteria to strengthen their immune system! But parents of premature babies don’t exaggerate, be mean or hysterical. They’re just good parents – following the advice of their doctors.”
Interfering with doctor’s orders is not only inappropriate, but nerve-wracking. If you don’t know what to say or if you can only think of empty phrases that nobody wants to hear, you should simply communicate that openly. “I don’t know what to say” is sometimes the most honest and best statement we can make. Sometimes it is enough just to be there and say without words: “I don’t know what to say – but you are not alone.”