9 rules for communicating with children

1. Start a conversation

The classic place for communication between children and parents is the dining table. Dinner is often the only time of the day when all family members are together. It makes sense to set up a ritual that everyone tells about their experiences of the day at dinner. At the dining table as on other occasions, the following applies to good communication: do not force children to speak. If the child is asked to speak directly, it often reacts with a blockade. It’s better to just show interest and attention. A “door opener” like “Take your time, we’ll listen to you” can often get a conversation going.

2. Eye and body contact

When it comes to communication, it is important for children that you get involved in the conversation and take it seriously. The best thing to do is to be at eye level with the child, make eye contact with them and maybe even grab them by the hands or shoulders. This is how you show him that you are now fully concerned with the child. This gives your message the necessary clarity and firmness.

3. Consistent behavior

For children, the various levels of communication, such as body language, facial expressions and language, must match. If you admonish your child, you must also look serious and not smile, even if you found the offense so funny. If you talk seriously to your child, you should have a serious attitude and facial expressions. On the other hand, you are contradicting yourself and the conversation will not achieve the intended purpose because the child will not understand you.

4. Clear statements

When it comes to communication, it is important for children that you limit yourself to clear statements and do not ask complex questions. Younger children in particular are often overwhelmed with multiple choices, such as “Would you like to play puppet theater with me or go to the forest or the playground?”. As a result, they can’t make up their minds and keep changing their minds. So limit your offer to two or better just one possibility, which you formulate in a clear sentence, like: “I would like to play puppet theater with you.”

5. Active listening

As described in the article “ 10 tips for better communication with your partner ”, listening means more than letting the other person finish speaking. Active listening means trying to understand what the other is saying. Summarize in your own words what the other said, for the sake of proper understanding. If you are unsure, ask what the other person meant. When communicating with children, it is advisable to be sensitive to their feelings. For example, if your child reports a fight with a friend, you can give him or her the following feedback: “You two had quite a fight there. That’s why you’re angry and sad now.”

6. Don’t present ready solutions

Active listening is difficult for many parents. They feel that as parents, they need to give advice to their children and offer them ready-made solutions. This makes communication for children one-sided and prevents them from finding their own solutions and developing their independence. Therefore, hold back your own opinion when your child raises a problem. Give him the time to describe the problem and develop his own possible solutions.

7. I-Messages

A golden rule for communication – formulate so-called I-messages instead of unclear or accusing you-statements. I-messages express feelings and wishes, avoid arguments and ensure a tolerant coexistence. Compare for yourself which formulation is more popular: “You could take out the garbage” or “I’ve got a lot to do right now. I would be happy if you could take out the garbage”.

8. Avoid taboos

Crucial for successful communication: Children should be able to talk about everything they have seen and heard, be able to openly express and talk about their feelings and be encouraged to speak their mind. This is the best way to promote the development of your children. Be it painful, pleasant or an evil deed, it is best if you have an open ear for every topic. Ideally, you have no bans on topics or taboos in family communication.

9. The family council

You can also consider setting up a family council. This promotes family communication and works like this: At a certain time of the week, the whole family comes together and discusses topics that affect all family members, such as how to spend the weekend together or the distribution of household chores. It is important that all participants have equal rights. Decisions are only valid if everyone agrees with them. In the family council, children learn early on to take on responsibility and to find a common solution through discussion. It also makes an important contribution to democratic education.

Another important topic, which also requires sufficient communication, is the use of modern technology, such as a tablet. How long can a child deal with it? What is there to consider? We answer all these questions in this article about the use of tablets by children.