Relationship break: when is it useful?

What is a relationship break?

Relationship breaks in and of themselves can be very confusing – are you separated or are you together? You can think of a break in a relationship as first pressing the pause button on the relationship – but not the stop button, which would represent a breakup. The break should give the two partners space and time: to think, to listen to themselves, to make decisions. It often comes into play when a relationship has been in crisis for some time, but the partners still love each other too much to finally separate. 

In such a situation, a relationship break can initially cool you down, time without arguments or difficult discussions. A little distance can also help you realize how important the relationship is to your partner and how much you value the other person. Out of these feelings, many then decide to continue the relationship, with a renewed will to work on it. 

However, a break in a relationship can also provide clarity, for example that the relationship has come to an end and despite all your love, you no longer want to be together. 

A break in a relationship makes sense in both directions, because on the one hand it protects against hasty decisions and thus prevents the end of a relationship if it is actually still working. On the other hand, during a relationship break, both partners have the chance to adjust to an eventual end. So the separations are often more amicable. 

This is what a relationship break looks like

Relationship breaks are different for every couple. In order for a relationship break to be meaningful and therefore successful, you should first be clear about what the break in your relationship should look like. 

It is usually helpful to set a specific time frame, because an open-ended break can be very difficult for both partners. The break can last from as little as a week to several months. It is only important that both partners agree on the time span. 

It is also important that you regulate the parameters of your contact in advance. Do you want to stay completely without contact during the break, or do you want to continue talking to each other? The latter can be particularly helpful when children are involved or financial matters need to be settled. 

This is also related to the question of whether you want to continue seeing each other or even sleep together. Especially if you already live together, the break can be difficult. Here it is advisable to at least move into separate bedrooms for the time being, or possibly that one of the partners moves in with friends for a few days or weeks. Sex is not advisable in this phase, as it could prevent you from gaining clarity about your feelings.

Finally, it is essential that you agree on whether any sexual or romantic relationships are permitted during the relationship break. Of course, this depends on whether you are monogamous or already in an open relationship . For monogamous couples , it is advisable not to bring new partners into the game at a time that is already tricky – after all, you are not separated, just “paused”. 

The approach after the relationship break should also be determined in advance. Arrange a meeting at the end of the break where you can share your insights. Be careful not to succumb to lust immediately and instead give yourself time to share your wishes and feelings about what the relationship should look like in the future.

For the relationship to work after the relationship break, both partners must be willing to invest time and work into the relationship again to work on the problems. Visiting couples therapy can also be extremely useful during this time. In general, you should approach each other slowly even after the break is over. So don’t rush it by suddenly spending 24 hours a day together again from one day to the next. 

When is a breakup better?

It may well be that one or both partners only realize during the break in the relationship that a separation would make more sense than trying again together. This may be because the fear of separation is often related to the fear of being alone. Especially if the relationship has been going on for years, this idea can be very frightening. During a break in a relationship, it’s quite possible that you’ll find that you don’t need to be afraid of being alone. Some even feel relieved to be independent again and to be able to stand on their own two feet. This, too, is an outcome of a relationship break that is completely justified. 

Even if you realize that your problems are too serious, for example if you have too different ideas for the future, there is little point in continuing the relationship. Even traumatic injuries, such as cheating on your partner, cannot always be healed. 

But: If you feel the desire to sleep with other people, this does not necessarily have to be a reason for separation. Many people in long-term relationships fantasize about some other dalliance from time to time. This does not necessarily mean that you will cheat on your partner. However, if you notice that you are no longer attracted to your partner at the same time, this is a clear sign that the relationship is coming to an end.

Try to openly and honestly communicate your decision to end the relationship and the reasons for it to your partner in the breakup interview. If you are sure, your partner should respect and understand this, because it was a possible outcome of the relationship break from the beginning.